I just don’t know what’s what anymore and that’s a fact. No big answers over here. Don’t even ask me, not a goddamn thing because I just don’t know and I don’t want to pretend that it’s the case that I do because I absolutely do not and I refuse to and that’s all you’ll be getting out of me forevermore.
We keep waking up fucking early in the morning and walking in silence for oh, about an hour. We pass sheep and stuff and found a hill to walk up and down. We meditated in the grass for a while and my teacher, he looked so grounded to the earth and I got all jealous on him for it. Well, all I could think was that my bum felt wet with the grass and I was wondering what that noise in the bushes was or what it could possibly be. It was a cougar. I kid you not. A fucking cougar, man. There we were, all sitting around all docile like and trying to be one with our higher selves and each other I suppose and the grass and mother earth and there was some big cat looking at us, probably hungry, maybe just curious. I wonder who saw the cat. I would have liked to have seen that cat.
I thought I’d come back all yogic from this, but I don’t think that will be the case. I think what will probably be more likely is that I’ll drive back home a thousand kilometers with a very sore neck. Sore everything is what’s more likely than the sore neck. God, my body feels full of pain. And I’m just dying for a lay. That’s not very yogic, is it? I was feeling more yogic and hopeful and spacey before I got to this crazy yogi gathering. Maybe I am not a yogi. Maybe I am a big faker. Sore neck because I keep trying all day to get into this one pose for a few breaths, it’s the one where you plant your forearms firmly to the earth and you look straight ahead and your neck is screaming for you to just fuck off and what the hell it’s saying, and then you kick your leg into the air and the other follows if all is going well and then you’re just up there sort of rocking out for a bit like yo, this is a different thing to do than the every day. Well, that’s the pose and that’s what I try to get into every chance I get. I don’t know, once you can get this shit into your flow, you sort of do go off and you sort of spiral into this bendy, emotional, spacey plain and when you come back down that experience sort of kicks you on your ass and tells you to smarten up. That’s why I do it. That’s why I came to this crazy place with the sheep and the cougars stalking us in the grass as we sit in a circle trying to be children.
I can’t believe I paid for this shit. It’s not that it’s not great. I don’t really know what it is. Maybe it’s great. Maybe it’s my quarter life crisis. After our morning walk around the hilly part and the animals out there, and our breakfast in silence still, I laid down on this couch where I am now in this strange old room. This whole building is just absolutely bizarre. Feral cats that piss all over and create a mess in a stairway next to the room we get all vertical and weepy and crazy in for the whole goddamn day. Man, I must be exhausted to be writing like this. It’s all the inversions. The inversions! The crazy backbending. This girl was sobbing next to me on her mat today. Why are we doing this?! Why did I travel so far to be doing this with these absolutely perfect strangers? Anyways, I laid on this couch and I listened to this song Val Jester. And I took off again. Dreams and gooseflesh swooping over my skin and I was just the fuck out of here, out of this bizarre room with cacti and big gold framed corny prints and empty bookcases and several uncomfortable chairs and odd coffee tables and two tiny televisions side by side.
What’s more, I’m pretty sure my teacher thinks he’s a lion. And I got so caught up in this whole yoga salvation thing, I started thinking I’d like to be a lion too. Well, I still sort of think I’m a lion and I think my teacher thinks I’m one too and he sure behaves like one. I’ll be talking to him and he’ll just stare at me intently and not really respond to anything I’m saying and I think this is part of being a lion. He makes his eyes really big and stares. And once I saw him yawn and his neck went round in a circle and it appeared to be more of a breathy roar and less like a man’s yawn. Next thing you know I’ll be stalking mice on all fours with the feral cats that piss everywhere. The management of this crazy building lets the cats in for fear that the cougar outside will find them and eat them. To that I say, Circle of Life. I know all about the circle of life. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I’ve heard it in the wind. Does that sound yogic? Can you hear the circle of life in the wind or do you have to get eaten by something that is hierarchically superior to you to really grasp the concept ‘circle of life’ instead of just sounding like an arrogant fuckin know-it-all asshole all the time? Not that I want to get eaten by anything. I guess I’m saying I don’t get this whole circle of life idea, I’m going a little nuts over here in this mountainless wilderness and I’m really not terribly impressed that wild cats are just pissing everywhere and no-one’s too concerned we’re sweating down our asses and junk onto the carpet that’s already rank with the worst smell ever which would be cat piss.
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